No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
