dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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