I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
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Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
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How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.