i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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