You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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