Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
