Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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