I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
