Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
