I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
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