i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
