How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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