i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
