This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
