well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
