my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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