I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
