the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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