i permit you to call me
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She told me I should be a condom model.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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