So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
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I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
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it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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