i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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