No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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