Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
