I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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