Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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