oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
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When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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