I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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