i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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