It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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