he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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