You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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