Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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