she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
