I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
