I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize