i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
