Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
