What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
