I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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