My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
