I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
