meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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