Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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