I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
