Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
