Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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