His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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