Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
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You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
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We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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