i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
