Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
