M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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