We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
