I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
