you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize