So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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