I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
