Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I am mentally ready for anal.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
