she sounds like chewbacca in bed
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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