sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
only you would photoshop your dick
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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